April…Not What I Expected

The good news is the tax filing deadline has been moved to July.  I for one will be taking advantage of that.  The bad news….well, there are enough ways for you to find out about that.  

No need for me to pile on. 

I often write about how positive psychology and the science of happiness can help us see life from different perspectives; that the tools they offer shift how we see life, our immediate circumstances and show us different ways of thinking about stuff. 

I have also mentioned along the way that these sciences do not suggest that we have to feel good all the time to be happy.  I haven’t written about this aspect of these sciences that much. 

That is changing today. 

I am letting my heart lead my head.

Feelings are something I don’t like very much, especially unpleasant ones.  I happen to be very good at avoiding my feelings, rationalizing them or distracting myself with busyness.  This skill has helped me through a lot of difficult situations in life and helped me get where I am today.  I also know, intellectually, that it is defense mechanism. 

You probably wouldn’t think that about me, given what I’ve chosen to immerse myself in, but it is true.  I am only human; a fact that I don’t like to experience – and I have been experiencing my humanness a lot, in the form of unpleasant feelings.  My ‘it’s not fair’ button is being pushed big time.

My ‘it’s not fair’ button is being pushed, big time!!

I feel lonely, angry and frustrated.  I feel uncomfortable, incompetent and helpless.  I feel confused and scared and I wonder when this will end and what life will be like when it’s over…if it ever really is over. 

But I haven’t really been allowing myself to feel these feelings.  I’ve been keeping busy, taking on more consulting work, planning for another ‘relaunch’ of my coaching business, looking at statistics trying to make sense of all of this, reading clinical articles to understand this virus better, wondering if  all the sacrifices we are making are actually making a difference.  

I’ve also been working out more, walking the dogs more, doing laundry every day (ok, twice a week), organizing the house, cleaning out the freezer, heck I even took a nap one day…like I said, I am very good at avoiding my feelings.

And then it dawned on me – I am living in my head…I am trying to think my way out of feeling what I am feeling. 

It’s not working.  Not this time.

I suppose it is a sign of growth that I can no longer avoid my feelings.  I have re-wired my brain and nervous system to someplace new, someplace I haven’t been before.  And it’s scary.

Thinking is NOT making it

so this time!

Normally, I feel like I am in control, that I have a pretty good handle on things, including my feelings when things are challenging.  I’ve done it my whole life.

I don’t feel in control.  I don’t feel like I have a handle on things.  I am feeling my feelings; maybe for the first time in my life.  And I don’t like it.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? 

Because you need to know that it is OK to feel what you feel.  You need to know that you don’t have to look on the bright side when things are really dark.  You need to know that what you feel is real, it is important and it is yours to feel.  You need to know that feeling what you feel is what makes you human.

You need to know that by feeling what you are feeling, you will grow stronger, you will become more resilient.  You need to know that you have an inner strength you never knew you had.  You need to know that this is transformation.  You need to know that you are transforming.

And you need to know this is exactly what positive psychology and the science of happiness tell us; the more we experience the difficult, the more we can appreciate the good.  It is also the basic tenet of the yogic principles, Yin and Yang; you can’t experience one without the other.

The science of happiness tells us that a happy life is not devoid of painful emotions.  The more we can accept the feelings we are feeling, the more in control we are over our actions.  The more we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, the more we can learn and grow.

If you are trying to run from your feelings, to hide them, to stuff them, to rationalize them, to ignore them into going away, don’t.  Because they won’t. 

I know.  I’ve tried.  They aren’t going anywhere. 

[Are you listening to yourself Yvette?]

And the truth of the world right now is that things are scary, they are out of control, they are unprecedented.  We don’t have a playbook.  We’ve never dealt with this kind of upheaval in our lives. 

It’s actually kind of crazy to think that we shouldn’t be feeling out of whack, if you think about it.  What we are feeling is normal for the circumstances.  Here is one case where it will pay to be normal.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Be normal in this situation.  You’ll rewire your brain and nervous system to be stronger and more capable.

The payoff for you is living a life that is more conscious and intentional.  It is a life that is fuller, deeper and richer.  It is a life that is fulfilling, diverse and vulnerable. And yes, it is a life where you fully experience the lows but you’ll be more conscious of the highs as well.

You can withstand more than you think.